Orlanthi Jokes

All credit to Glorantha.com

“I met a new girl at a feast the other day, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: ’I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know. ‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?”

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone.
I said, “The whole time.”

The locals were sure that its tavernkeeper was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet with a prize of 1000 silver guilders. The tavernkeeper would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a cup, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (arm wrestlers, Uroxi, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the tavernkeeper said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the cup.

As the crowd cheered, the tavernkeeper payed the 1000 silvers, and asked the little man, “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

“Nope,” the man replied, “Tax collector.”

A Lhankor Mhy devotee, an Orlanth Adventurous devotee and an Uroxi devotee walk into the local tavern. All three sit down and order horns of mead. As they discuss the day events the tavern keep brings each a horn overflowing with fine mead.

The Lhankor Mhy sage looks down and notes a fly swimming in his mead. “What sort of feculant establishment are you running here!”, he shouts. He begins to quote the law of Heort and the punishments for transgressions of hospitality and the connection between the fly and Malia of the unholy trio. The tavern keeper quickly pours out his mead and brings him another horn with abject apologies.

The Orlanthi then looks down at his horn of mead and also notes a fly floundering about in his mead. He looks at the fly for a moment, grasps the horn and says, “Force is always an option!” and gulps down the entire horn fly and all.

Lastly the Uroxi warrior looks down and also sees a large black fly swimming in his mead. He carefully takes the horn from the bar and shakes off his leather and bronze gauntlet. With the bare hand he carefully reaches into the horn of mead and gently grasps the fly by the wings. He then lifts the fly so that it is just above the mead horn and slowly brings the horn and the fly close to his lips and with an earth shaking bellow roars, “Spit it out you bastard!!”

Two Orlanthi dogs meet on the outskirts of Pavis; one, comparatively sleek and well fed, is heading away from the city, the other, mangy and with bones showing through his skin, is coming out of the wastes and going to the Lunar occupied town. The Orlanthi dog from the wastes is astonished by this city dog heading out towards Vulture Country.

“What the fuck are you doing going out there?” he asks. “You’ll starve and die of thirst, and Storm Bull will scour your bones. You’ll miss the easy meals and warm beds you’re used to – that’s why I’m heading into Pavis.”

The city Orlanthi dog just says, “Yeah, well, but at least in the wastes I’ll get the chance to bark.”

A priest of Orlanth, a priest of Issaries and a priest of Eurmal were on a fishing holiday. Sitting in a boat in the middle of the lake, they enter into an argument about their gods’ powers.

The priest of Eurmal breaks wind and says that even though his god has no power over water, he will walk across the lake to pick up some more wine. He steps out of the boat, walks across the lake, and returns with three bottles of wine.

The priest of Orlanth says that he will fetch the cheese. He steps out of the boat, walks across the lake, and returns with the cheese.

Finally, the priest of Issaries gets up and says that he will fetch the bread. He steps out of the boat and immediately sinks.

The priest of Eurmal sniggers. “Perhaps we should have mentioned the stepping stones!” he says.

“What stepping stones?” replies the Priest of Orlanth.

An Orlanth Adventurous devotee, an Issaries devotee and an Urox devotee had sat down for a beer.
- Bottoms up, said the Orlanth devotee and raised his tankard.
- Cheers, said the Issaries devotee and raised his tankard as well.
The Uroxi, looking a bit displeased, raised his own tankard and said:
- Look, are we going to chit-chat or are we going to drink?

An Orlanthi HeroQuester was on his mission in the Storm Realm, when he encountered a young warrior, who challenged him into a contest.
- See that high and steep cliff over there? I’ll go and jump down from there, and I bet you that I won’t even get a scratch. If you can do the same, I’ll take you to Lhankor Mhy so that he can tell you were to go.
The HeroQuester accepted the bet and went with the young warrior to the cliff.
- Okay, here I go! said the warrior and jumped from the cliff. Soon the HeroQuester couldn’t see him anymore through the clouds and gathered that the poor soul had died. But when he turned around he saw the young warrior, smiling and without a scratch.
- Now it’s your turn, the warrior said, and the Quester, believing that he could do it as well, jumped… and splatted on the ground, dying instantly.
Up in the cliff, one of the Thunder Brothers walked to the cliff, saw the dead Quester and then looked at the young warrior.
- You’re one hell of an asshole, Vanganth.

A beautiful summer night. A young Orlanthi couple is sitting by the river. The girl curls herself better by the boy’s side and asks:
-Do you love me?
-Am I beautiful?
-Are my eyes blue as the sky?
-Is my hair golden as the grain fields in Earth Season?
-Is my body lithe as a young willow?
-Oh darling, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl.

Orlanthi Jokes

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